How to 'attract' a date

How to 'attract' a date

Got a date and want to know what to wear? Well there are some simple rules that you can follow that will prevent you from putting someone off at 'hello'. And there is also a science to making yourself more attractive. But firstly, there are two mistakes that people often make when choosing what to wear. You have good intentions and really do want to make a good impression. Often at crucial times like this, when you feel the pressure, when you want to look special and want to be worth it, you can get caught up in the moment and either overcompensate or undercompensate.

Overcompensating is when you feel you need to dress up to compensate for something you believe you don't have. So, you believe your figure isn't curvy enough, you don't feel you are tall enough or you want to appear more creative. So you wear something that tapers in your waist to the extent that it looks too tight, or you wear a heel you can't walk in or for men a too chunky heel, or you wear a very bright colour that actually takes over and dominates the conversation.

Signs of overcompensation:

heavy make-up - often visible by heavy lines - e.g. lipliner of a different colour to your lipstick, or dark eyeliner; a foundation line; over-made up
over-dramatic nails - too bright or too red or too long or too much design
over dressed - dress for the occasion - a full suit or too formal/sexy a dress could look out of place in a pub
fashion victim - like you have just walked off the boardwalk in Milan or head to toe in Topshop
Spa'd up - your hair is perfect, your skin radiates, you have a sudden new tan, your lines are frozen - you just walked out of a full day at the Spa
young and fresh - you are dressing younger than you are - tighter clothes, trendier shoes, sharper hair, glossier lipstick
cool and smooth - your sunglasses are on (even though it is dark inside the restaurant), your ipod, your blackberry, your cell - all your wares are on show

Why does it not work?
The affect on others - the other person can feels like there is no room for them, that they have to compete with you, or feel that too much attention is being drawn to the situation. You are giving out too many signals for your date to interpret. Overload!
The affect on you - your personality can be overshadowed so there is not the opportunity for your date to get past your appearance to discover who you are. You lose out on someone getting to know you for who you are.

Undercompensating is when you feel the need to dress down so as to take away the attention from yourself. You want to hide out, or not appear too confident or not to show that you may be interested in dating for fear of revealing inner feelings. If you are shy then you may be drawn to this option as a way of creating a barrier.

Signs of undercompensation:

scruffiness - unkempt look, old knit sweater with holes, worn jeans, tired make-up - the vagabond style
lack of cleanliness - dirty hair, dirty nails, general lack of hygiene, dreadlocks, a musty scent about you
from work - you turn up on the date straight from work, with the make-up melting away or the tie lopsided
make-up/hair/nails - worn off nail varnish, no make-up, hair unwashed - you are at the stage where you could really do with a spa day!
too casual - you think your old jeans and t-shirt will just do for the date
too plain - your clothes say nothing about you, one block of colour, no style or shape

Why does it not work?
The affect on you - essentially undercompensating devalues who you are. It takes you down a peg or two on the 'attraction list' (see below).
The affect on others - if you don't value yourself, then why would you value others? That may be the question on your date's mind, as well as are you worth it?

Why is your personal image so important?

Your clothing is a form of non-verbal communication. 75% of a first impression is based on how you look, and only 2% is based on what you say. You are a walking talking advertisement for You, and your clothing can communicate much about your psychology, whether your choices are conscious or unconscious. People, mostly unconsciously, will judge you according to what you wear; they evaluate your status, your level of intelligence, your level of humour, your worth. People also use clothing as a way of understanding your personality and whether you would be a potential dating match for them.

Basic Tips that will make a difference

Hygiene - even if you only get five minutes to freshen up, it will make a difference. A squirt of scented oil, a reapplication of makeup, a comb of the hair.
From work - change your shirt - opt for a casual t-shirt style top that you can wear with your suit or change into something more relaxing all together. For women, a change of top and shoes can do the trick too.
Wear your favourite colour, item, shoe, underwear - we all have a lucky mascot and you will have an item of clothing that also makes you feel good about yourself and is your favourite thing - avoid bringing out your hippie top from 15 years ago! It will not only give your date more information about the kind of person you are but also put you at ease.
Find balance - looking your best doesn't have to mean you go shopping for a whole new outfit and have a beauty blitz! Looking your best is about feeling confident in yourself, feeling at ease and feeling good about how you look. Always go for balance - in colour, in the amount of accessories you use, in the application of make-up, in the amount of 'fashion' you add, in the formality of what you wear.
Not just about you - your date involves both of you, so dress for you but also for your date! Consider them in what you wear, how it will make them feel - this is your first gesture for your date, this is your cherry on the top.

Beyond the basics

Attraction is a key element in dating. By 'attraction' I don't mean attractive in the traditional sense i.e. in terms of your beauty, but in terms of how much you 'attract' others. Your ability to 'attract' others is determined by your personal image - how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, your self-esteem. So, before contemplating a relationship with another, you must first look at your relationship to You. How well you relate to yourself and how accurately you see yourself will increase your chances of being attractive to others, i.e. being someone people are drawn to and want to spend time with.

So, the first question is who are you? How would you describe yourself? Often people find this a hard question to answer; they can provide you with a list of qualities that they want from an ideal partner, but they can't tell you who they are themselves and what they would be offering to another.

This is one of the most important aspects of dating - understanding yourself. The more you understand yourself, the more you understand what partner will fulfill your needs and what you are offering. So, it all comes down to defining who you are. Then the trick is to ensure you 'project' who you are. It will be a lot easier to meet the right person for you. It will then be a natural occurrence, as they will respond to you and you will respond to them.

Defining who You are

This is not something you just put together, like an advertising team while brainstorming a new brand. Who you are is something that is already defined and your task is to start to reflect inwardly and bring your own 'definitions' to the forefront. Start writing down words that you feel describe you. Divide them up into categories - your appearance, your character traits, your behaviour. Ask yourself questions - how would I treat a friend in need? How do I respond to confrontation? What would be my ideal day off? Using tools to help you with this, like a mirror - have a good look at yourself and write down what you see. Or ask a friend (a positive friend) how they would describe you.

Once you have your list, grade your definitions from 1-5; 1 being a weak definition and 5 being a stronger definition. Take all the grade 5 definitions and write them on a separate piece of paper - narrow it down further to between 5 - 8 of them. This is now your reference point and your 'personal definition' list. These are your unique qualities that you want to convey to others. It is also interesting to note how much of your personal definitions come from which category - your appearance, your character traits, your behaviour. It doesn't matter what combination you have, as long as you feel these reflect you accurately. Pin your 'personal definition' list to your mirror, and use that to remind yourself 'who' you are dressing on your date. Repeat your key words as you stand there in your outfit, and if they don't match, then change your outfit until you get a match. The importance is to match your clothes to you, rather than you try to match yourself to your clothes. If you haven't got a mirror, then I strongly suggest you get one! You want to and imperatively need to see what everyone else is seeing - a three dimensional version of you.

This exercise is one of the most essential practices you can do so as to ensure you don't suffer from any future heartache. By understanding your personal image and projecting that, you will attract people that meet with your personal needs. There is no point trying to be a Gwenyth Paltrow, when really inside you are a Cher. Equally there is no point being a Pierce Brosnan, if inside you are an Antonio Banderas. Your partner will not take too long to discover that you are not really who you are making yourself out to be, and if they don't, then only conflicts will ensue that don't seem to have any real cause. Simply, you are incompatible.

Next time you go out on a date, rather than wandering whether the person you are meeting will like you, you can be more clear that if they don't, then they simply aren't compatible with you/your personal definitions. And you can be assured that you showed yourself to them authentically, and they are not right for you. What you will notice is the more you show yourself authentically and dress your personal definitions, the more you will attract people of a like mind and personality. Without opening your mouth to say anything, they know from what they see and from what you are projecting, that you are someone that they would like to get to know a bit better.

To find out more tricks and how to define your personal image, Sarah offer Image Profiling Consultations.

This article is an extract from the E-Book and Image Program that will be available soon.

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©2005 Sarah Whittaker [www.TheWardrobeShrink.com].
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Sarah Whittaker has been featured in numerous newspapers and magazines worldwide, and writes The Wardrobe Shrink Newsletter full of the latest fashion trends, celebrity style and honest image advice.

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How to 'attract' a date